(Weeklings!) Gay Disney Characters!

Annette Funicello, the gays miss you! The onetime Mouseketeer was damn fab, and it takes one viewing of Beach Blanket Bingo to know she kept a lot of starpower in her hips.
But the Disney alumna's death got me thinking: How many classic Disney characters were probably gay? I know it's stupid to assign sexuality to ancient cartoon characters, but it's stupid-er to pretend they couldn't have been gay at all. And with that, let's talk about how gay they all were. Mickey Mouse, Jafar, Pinocchio, Chip & Dale, and Buzz and Woody from Toy Story, watch out: Someone's tugged on my pull-string, and now I can't stop spewing gay catchphrases.

(Weeklings!): In Honor of Ebert, The Movies We Hated, Hated, Hated!

Even in the age of Rotten Tomatoes when all of film criticism is distilled into handy rubrics and composite grades, Roger Ebert's familiar, Pulitzer-stamped byline stood out from the pack. It was only Tuesday when Ebert announced he'd be taking a "leave of presence" from his astonishingly consistent dispatch of reviews, and Thursday brought the devastating news of his death from cancer at the age of 70. For many film lovers this is an unthinkable loss, one that compels us to circle back to the place we love most: the movies.

Ebert was direct, incisive, and heartfelt in his reviews, and when he hated a movie, he was often mercilessly funny. To celebrate the impressive rancor of his review anthology I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie, this edition of Weeklings! focuses on the movies I've hated most -- and maybe you've hated them too. The usual suspects like Grease 2 and Crash appear, but look out for Moulin Rouge, Forrest Gump, and Vertigo too.

R.I.P. Roger Ebert. You taught us that being honest about the things we love is the right way to matter.

(Weeklings!) One Gay's Advice To All 9 Supreme Court Justices!

We've had a thrilling and exhausting week. With the Proposition 8 and DOMA Supreme Court hearings filling up my newsfeed (and Facebook feed, pleasantly enough), it's clear to me that gayness and social change are bigger mainstream topics than ever before. Which is nice, because it means we don't have to talk about how awful an album title, The 20/20 Experience is. Maybe next week.

Following Tuesday and Wednesday's hearings, I'm approaching all nine Supreme Court justices (yep, one at a time( like a bossy 5-year-old with a side ponytail and offering advice, cynicism, support, and even some actual ideas. After a week like this, I'm happy to release some vivacious fury. Hey, Scalia! I saved an extra minute for you and your Zero Mostel-esque tantrums! Weee!

(Weeklings!) When Michelle Shocked and Other Lady Singer-Songwriters Piss Us Off!

by Louis Virtel 

Michelle Shocked, the alternative folk singer who announced at a San Francisco gig that "God hates faggots" (Or not? She apologized? Whatever), probably hasn't gained any new fans in the past week. Still, I think her strange case warrants real attention. In today's Weeklings!, I discuss why Michelle Shocked's awful opinion matters more to me than, say, the opinion of most current Billboard hitmakers. Then for the hell of it, I talk about how other female singer-songwriters have hurt my feelings too, though not in as extreme ways. Annie Lennox, I'm taking you down, girl. 

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(Weeklings!) How Catholicism Made Me Gay!

by Louis Virtel

Pope Francis and I disagree about gay marriage, but I hope we can agree that Catholicism totally made me gay. Because it's true.

I spent 18 years as a practicing Catholic, and after much consideration, I realize I wouldn't be the towering gay organism I am now without my church background. In this edition of Weeklings!, join me as I explain how Catholicism made me gay, what I learned from Pope John Paul II, and why baptism was one of my greatest stage spectacles. I didn't even need the white smoke, guys.

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(WEEKLINGS) What If A Gay Guy Judged "American Idol"?

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For 12 seasons we've watched everyone from Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul to Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Lopez, and a starved mule dressed up as Jimmy Buffett named Steven Tyler judge American Idol. None of these people are gay men. Call me a radical, but maybe a gay male judge is just what the show needs.

In this edition of Weeklings!, I revisit all 12 seasons of Idol and discover what the show would've been like if an opinionated gay man criticized the competing singers. Here's a hint: It'd be way more exciting than Randy Jackson's fist-pumps with Keith Urban.

(Weeklings!) The Gay History of the Oscars!

 

January and February would be wiped off the calendar if it weren't for Oscar season, which keeps many of us warm during these torturous winter evenings. But then Renee Zellweger wins and we're freezing again, so there you have it.

On this edition of Weeklings!,  Sunday's Oscars by taking you back in Academy Awards history through the gayest achievements in film. Everyone from Scarlett O'Hara to Harvey Milk comes up. I go everywhere. So strap on your gigantic pantaloons, Katharine Hepburn, because we have a lot of ground to cover.

(LIST) The 10 Hottest "Best Actor" Oscar Winners!

by Louis Virtel

 

Ten men. Ten Oscars. Ten eternal images of hotness that I'm happy to rank.

You'll be either excited or depressed to learn that the idea of a hot Best Actor Oscar winner is mostly a recent invention. There are some Oscar-winning studs from the the '30s and '40s, but you see plenty more GQ-ready gents in the Academy Award-winning roles of the '90s and 2000s. So without further ado, let's take another trip back and time and count down the 10 hottest "Best Actor" winners.

(LIST) the 10 Hottest SUPPORTING ACTORS and 5 Bad SUPPORTING ACTRESSES!

by Louis Virtel

 

The 85th Academy Awards are at last upon us, and unfortunately we only have a few more days to think about the eternal hotness of some of the men they honor. As a companion piece to our Hottest Best Actor countdown, I present to you an important follow-up: The 10 Hottest Best Supporting Actor performances. Heath Ledger, Javier Bardem, and Christian Bale were too inhumanely grotesque to warrant inclusion, I'm sort of sorry to say. But who wasn't? Check 'em out below.

(LIST) The 5 Most Ridiculous Best Actress Wins!

by Louis Virtel

I had a ball with a 10 Greatest Best Actress Victories list, and now it's time to reveal my dark side: Here are my five least favorite wins for Best Actress, and you'll notice they're all pretty fabulous actresses doing subpar work in subpar fare. Maybe I'm just mad at them for getting rewarded for the wrong work. Maybe I'm contrarian. T'any rate, here are the five offenders:

5. Jodie Foster, The Accused

 

This is not my way of damning Jodie for that cryptic, near-Dada speech she gave at the Golden Globes. This is my way of acknowledging that The Accused is unimportant Oscar bait full of teary monologues that just don't work. Jodie Foster is a commanding actress, and I consider her work in The Silence of the Lambs one of the most justified wins of the '90s. (Love the '91 Oscars so, so much. Thelma, Louise, Rambling Rose, Mercedes Ruehl, etc.) But even in the broadest description, The Accused is Lifetime material at best: A squawky client with Desperately Seeking Susan style is sexually assaulted at a bar in front of cheering patrons, and she and her tough-as-nails lawyer eventually win in court over the trio of rapists. Jodie is a ball of forced characterizations here, a nonstop medley of quirks and squawks. It doesn't help that '88 was also the year of Glenn Close's best performance (and film) Dangerous Liaisons and Meryl Streep's now-underrated work in the very damning A Cry in The Dark. Both would've been better and more unusual choices than Jodie in The Accused.

(Weeklings!) Making the Gay Games Gayer!

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by Louis Virtel

Thank you, President Obama, for throwing your support behind Orlando's bid to host the 2018 Gay Games. According to Obama, Orlando is "ideally suited" to hold the quadrennial sports event. Hooray! Let's do what we can to make sure Orlando gets the bid. Here's my plan: offer up even gayer sports events to make Orlando's Gay Games the best ever.

In this edition of Weeklings!, I list off several new "gay games" that would make the event a one-of-a-kind homosexual experience. Hope you're ready to use the javelin in a new, exciting, and potentially painful way.

(Weeklings!) Who's the Worst Celebrity Couple Ever?

by Louis Virtel  

I like "Rude Boy" and "Don't Stop the Music" as much as the next decent human being, but Rihanna's recently tweeted photo with Chris Brown last night got me thinking: Some celebrity couples are just bad news. In fact, a lot of them are! In this edition of Weeklings!, I explore the history of celebrity couples and point out which ones are my least favorite. I even pick a worst. Feel free to fight me, but as usual, I think you'll find that my logic is irrefutable -- or else too spastic and asthmatic to be argued. Warning: I am very mad at Ryan Reynolds.

(Weeklings!): Why Mariah Carey Always Beats Nicki Minaj!

Photo: Getty

by Louis Virtel

Emergency: It seems like American Idol viewers are responding more to Nicki Minaj than Mariah Carey. This is unspeakable.
Mariah is the best, pseudo-craziest music legend we have. We need to respect her and everything she stands for, and that means tearing down Nicki Minaj at all costs. In this edition of Weeklings!, I teach you about why Nicki is inferior to Mariah, why Mariah is a bronze goddess sent from planet Mimi, and why I laugh at Nicki supporters. Sigh. Ryan Seacrest is losing his tan from all this shade.

(Weeklings!): A Gay's Guide to Honest Sports Stars!

 
 by Louis Virtel

Lance Armstrong may have pulled a fast one (or seven) on us, and Manti Te'o may be the weirdest liar in the history of sports, but please don't fret: You can trust your sports heroes.

In this edition of Weeklings!, I tell you why gays can trust everyone from Michael Jordan and Venus Williams to LGBT athletes like Billie Jean King and out boxer Orlando Cruz.

Don't freak out if you don't know much about sports. I only know what I know from A League of Their Own and the sweatier scenes of Breaking Away.

(Weeklings!): Worst Oscar Nominations Ever?

 

by Louis Virtel

Happy Oscar nominations! This is the most magical time of year.

Now that the holidays are over and we're through with appreciating our families and friends, we can get back to our core values of winning, dresses, and glamor.

This year's Oscar nominations featured some bizarre issues, including Best Director snubs for Ben Affleck and Kathryn Bigelow, strange acting selections like Jacki Weaver, and a shout-out to that drippiest of James Bond anthems, "Skyfall."

In this edition of Weeklings!, I uncover the Academy's idiocy with splintering detail -- even though I have an insane, eternal obsession with the Oscars. Love you, AMPAS! Even if you truly enjoyed Silver Linings Playbook.

(Weeklings!) The Greatest Christmas Movie Ever?

by Louis Virtel

Stop avoiding it. We're stockings-deep in holiday mania, and it's time we slake our thirst for yuletide nostalgia. Let's start with an easy question: What's the greatest Christmas movie ever?
I've given it some thought, and this week's edition of Weeklings!, I toast all the Christmas classics: Miracle on 34th Street, Meet Me in St. Louis, Christmas Vacation, Bad Santa, and many, many others. But only one can be best -- and gayest. Join me as I select the #1 and, for the hell of it, rip on Chevy Chase.

(Weeklings!) Celebrating Maryland, Maine, Washington, and Minnesota!

by Louis Virtel

This past Tuesday, voters in Maryland, Maine, and Washington agreed that gay people are damn marriageable, and voters in Minnesota solidly knocked down a ban against gay marriage. That is fabulous and cry-worthy, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and Obama defeated that jackass Mitt Romney. That ruled too.

All in all, we have a lot to celebrate. In this edition of Weeklings!, I'm honoring the four states that took a great leap forward in LGBT rights and recognition. What are the gayest things about Maryland, Maine, Washington, and Minnesota? Watch as I visit all four states with the speed of Carmen Sandiego and uncover their gay awesomeness.

(Weeklings!) The 10 Greatest Homosexuals in Popular Culture!

by Louis Virtel


In honor of the awesome holiday, I'm dedicating this week's edition of Weeklings! to my 10 favorite LGBTers in popular culture. Some are Hollywood royalty, some are respected authors, and others are modern-day hitmakers who wear jeans well. They're all godsends to me. The point is: Come out. It's life-affirming and thrilling to be right about yourself -- and your loved ones should know that.

DEBUT! (Weeklings!): Forgiving Paris Hilton !

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If you haven't thought about Paris Hilton in a while, please know that she's thinking about you. A sneaky cab driver recorded audio of the hotel heiress chatting with a friend who was explaining Grindr to her. "Ewww!" she replied on tape. "Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. ... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

Ah, what a fresh perspective! Fortunately, I have a bunch of logical explanations for what Ms. Hilton really meant to say. In this edition of Weeklings!, I discuss the valid points she was trying to make. Get ready to learn.