(MY view) The Other Side of Forty!

by Robert Levithan

Bob Bergeron committed suicide at 49 -- just before the planned publication of his book, The Right Side of Forty. His suicide note, written on the title page, included this phrase about the book: "It's a lie based on bad information." Perhaps understandably, the publisher cancelled the book's release. So I can't judge the work that Bergeron lost faith in.

Presumably, Bergeron's mission in writing the book was to help spur a healthier outlook on aging for gay men. His disillusionment and suicide send the exact opposite message. However sad his choice might make us, we must not allow it to reinforce an outdated message of hopelessness regarding aging. If aging is a failure, then we all fail.

The colleagues and friends who encouraged me to write about this incident and its implications for gay men hope that I can present an argument that Bergeron was wrong, that both sides of 40 are viable, that as we age, the gains outweigh the losses.


I did visit Bergeron's website after reading about his death. It is markedly optimistic and positive on the surface, but for me his unacknowledged shadow was lurking. When naming his New Year's resolutions, Bergeron included no longer "lying about my age." It is telling that he was still working at this simple truth. Of course, I understand how our society in general, and gay culture specifically, encourages "passing" as younger -- and why wouldn't he have internalized the rampant ageism that we all are exposed to? Bergeron was not yet convinced that his real age was OK -- a damaging state he shared with so many of us.

Countless gay men have come to believe that their value has a shelf-life, that aging is a one-way path to loss and despair. If tight skin and a six-pack are the summation of our worth, we are definitely in trouble. But being on the planet for 40 or more years allows for spiritual and psychological enrichment. Life presents opportunities along with the challenges.

That Bergeron wrote his book, in part, to convince himself that getting older is OK is something I can relate to. My column, The New 60, now a book, was a testing ground for my own issues about turning 60. Did I really believe that I was fine with it?

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