(JESSE on the BRINK) Sexualising the Sea Cucumber!

by Jesse Archer

Aitutaki, Cook Islands is home to a prime tropical lagoon which prides itself on being listed on every last incantation of the list: "100 places to visit before you DIE!" Aitutaki's lagoon also boasts a massive concentration of that strange underwater vacuum and legendarily phallic organism: the sea cucumber. or slug. or big fat underwater black cock, if you ask me.

The place is littered with them. They're plump and tumescent and they never say no. Plus look! They're peeing on me. Well it's not pee. It seems to be a defensive sort of serum - not a leak, these things are real shooters! - because when I picked em up, they sprayed full on serum. And I wasn't even squeezing!

I came to the conclusion that this mysterious 'hands off-me' sea cucumber brain juice serum is going to be the next thing in cosmetics "taking decades off your face!" anti-aging mass marketing.

Get this shiz BOTTLED, Mizz Clairol. I'll soon be forced into writing pithy, punchy, brainwash-worthy copy promoting its time-reversing antioxidant properties far sooner than I'd like!

But then I let the sea cucumbers go (they are terrible conversationalists) and paddled on.

Through the waters of one of those exotic places you REALLY must explore... before you expire!

Jesse Archer is an award-winning writer, actor, and rabblerouser.


Since graduating from the University of Southern California, Jesse traveled the world before landing in the East Village of New York City. He has appeared in the Off-Broadway hit Birdy's Bachelorette Party and on film in Boy Culture. Jesse also stars in gay romantic comedy favorites Slutty Summer and A Four Letter Word (which he co-wrote with director Casper Andreas). In 2010 he produced, co-starred, and scripted the hit comedy Violet Tendencies. His latest, Half-Share, set on legendary Fire Island is due out mid-2011. Jesse has penned features and pithy, promotional copy for various websites and print zines. He also wrote a popular column on urban gay life for OUT magazine. His first book, "You Can Run", was based on the two intrepid years he spent traveling through South America and was published by Haworth Press in 2007.