A writer's journey of dating and living gay in Seattle exposed.
by Tristan Wilde
There comes a point in the dating process in which the emotion of love begins to take over our thoughts and we grow closer to the person we've been seeing. This adoration typically comes after the nervousness of meeting our date for the first time, after the anticipation of that all-important first kiss. Once we become aware of this love, the game changes. It is at this point that we segue from dating a person to committing to them in a relationship. It's different for each person who participates in the ever-changing world of dating. For some, it takes going on several dates with the same person in order to achieve such feelings. For others, it becomes instant (giving credence to the idea of “love at first sight”). For me, these feelings came about after spending a romantic and intimate evening with Efrain in which I threw all my dating rules out the window.
After catching up on some much needed sleep, by taking a rare mid-day nap, I awaken to thoughts of the previous night. I am taken back to Efrain's deep kisses, his hard body, and his warm embrace. Last night was more than casual sex between two guys who had just gotten to know each other. It was more than two horny men using each other as tools to get off. There were emotions involved, an inherent compassion that can only be acknowledged by the act of making love. Yes, love. I had no doubt felt this the minute I walked into the door of my condo and ordered flowers to be delivered to Efrain's work. I am falling for him, and falling hard. Thoughts of Efrain flood my brain. I'm thankful I don't have any current writing deadlines for fear of not being able to remain focused.
Friday. Early afternoon. I grab my cell phone (otherwise known as my lifeline) and notice several text messages that were sent to me throughout the morning.
Antonio: "Slut, I saw you getting dropped off by Efrain this morning. Uh-huh." I laugh because it seems that my best friend Antonio knows all and sees all. The fact that he lives in the same complex as me means nothing will get past him. And while we joke with each other all the time, I cannot help be feel a bit awkward that I'm dating one of his friends.
Efrain: "Had a great time last night. Thanks." I smirk as calmness washes over me. Efrain's text confirms that I wasn't just some one-night-stand forgotten about the next day. I have no doubt that he would've thought of me as such. Still, it's a breath of fresh air to read this affirmation.
Diego: "I apologize for the way I went off on you yesterday. I truly miss you. Give me a call when you have a chance." I can't help but think Diego is at war with his emotions. One minute he's yelling at me; the next, he's apologizing. I recall, less than a week ago, how I was advancing toward having strong feelings for Diego.
However, after recent bouts of his anger surfaced, not to mention the latest developments with Efrain, I'm beginning to easily dismiss these emotions.
The chiming notification of a new text message pulls me from the deliberation of my feelings for the men in my life. It's Antonio. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Not sure. No plans. What's up?" I respond.
"Trey and I were thinking about going out. Drinks and dancing."
It automatically sounds like a good idea. After all, I've been trying to focus more on "me time" and becoming less of a workaholic with the writing. What better way to ring in another weekend than by going out with great friends and dancing the night away? I've always thought that good people and laughter are the key to a healthy lifestyle.
Before I reply to my best friend's text, a thought begins to form in my head. As much as I'd like to have Efrain join us at the club, I realize he has to work the next day. Therefore, the chance of such happening is nil. I begin realizing that I need to have closure with Diego. I need to see for myself if there will ever be anything between us. I know some might think of me as selfish for entertaining the idea of having feelings for two men (although, what I feel for Diego is quickly diminishing). However, the time I have shared with him warrants one last shot at seeing if what we did have can transcend his recent negativity. Not to mention, this will give me the opportunity to see if Diego's truly serious about getting to know my world and not just me.
Every time I've been with Diego it has always been at his place, cut off from the rest of the world. He's never met my friends. He's never been out in public with me. This would change tonight. This will be Diego's last chance to prove that he really does care for me.
"Hello? You up to it or not?" Antonio persists with another text.
"Can I bring somebody?"
"Of course!"
"Sounds like a plan then. Text me an hour before you guys leave." While Antonio has all the qualities any person could want in a best friend, he is also one of the most impatient people I know. Hence, my request for his one-hour text warning before our departure.
"See you tonight!"
I start the festivities early and pour myself a glass of Pinot Noir. Yes, the adage that "it's five o'clock somewhere" is not a saying with which most writers would disagree. I take a sip and pull up my contact list on my cell phone. I choose "Diego" and click the call option.
He answers after one ring. The excitement in his voice throws me off guard. "Hi!"
"Hey there."
"Before you say anything else, I just want to apologize for my bad attitude lately. I've been so overworked at the coffee shop. I know that's no excuse and I shouldn't be taking it out on you, but I really am sorry."
I can tell from the calm and almost stuttering inflection of Diego's voice that his apology is genuine. Perhaps there is hope for continuing what we have started. Yet, there is part of me that wishes it did end; the part fueling my desires for Efrain. "Apology accepted," I say.
"Thank you."
I change the subject, ready to introduce Diego to a trial of sorts. "So, what are you doing tonight?"
He quickly answers as if he has predicted my question. "Believe it or not, I don't have to work tomorrow. I was hoping you'd come by."
Of course you were, I think. After all, it's always about my going to his place and us going nowhere else. "Actually, my best friend and his partner invited me out to go dancing this evening. I was hoping you'd come with me."
Then comes the pause that seems to be common when I ask Diego to do anything outside of staying in at his place. After a few seconds, he answers me. "I really just wanted to spend time with you. You know, maybe cook us up a nice dinner and watch a movie."
I do my best to negotiate with Diego. "How about we have dinner, head to R Place, then back to your apartment to watch a movie. I really would like you to meet my friends."
Another pause, then, "Tristan, I told you I'm really not big on the club scene."
"I understand that. I'm talking about dancing, not getting drunk and flirting with other guys." And it is it this point that I have no choice but to ask the obvious. "Why do I get the feeling that you are embarrassed to be seen with me in public?"
"What?"
"Seriously. It's always about your place. It's like what we do have doesn't exist outside the four walls of your apartment."
"I like you a lot, Tristan. In fact..." he stops. "I would never be embarrassed by you."
"If that's the case, come out with me tonight. I don't see what the big deal is."
Again with the silence.
"You know what," I say to Diego, "don't worry about it. I plan to go out with my friends and enjoy myself."
Diego hangs up.
This is it. This is the end. While it's not the closure I seek, it's obvious that we can't move forward past the dating stage. Then again, can one truly call what we did dating? Of the times spent with Diego, they were limited to his apartment. No outings. No appearances in public. Why has our getting together been so secretive? It has me wondering if Diego is even out of the closet. Suddenly, I can't help but ask myself how my time spent with Efrain is any different. True, the night before had only been our first official date. Still, this piques my curiosity and has my thoughts return to my initial questioning of what guys who live in Seattle consider dating. Is there some sort of social stigma surrounding this unofficial phenomenon?
No sooner than my mind attempts to unlock the vast mysteries of the Seattle dating scene does my cell ring. It's Efrain. "Hey you," I answer.
"How are you?"
"Fantastic, now that you're calling. By the way," I add, “I had a great time last night as well."
Efrain gives off that cute, innocent laughter that only he can own. "Antonio called me and said you all were going out tonight."
"Uh. Yeah."
"Would you might if I joined you?"
"I thought you worked tomorrow."
"I do....around noon. I can still go out for a couple of hours. In fact, I was going to be your guys' designated driver to the club."
"Of course," I instantly agree. "That would be great!"
"OK then. I'll see you tonight."
"Sounds good," I say.
The realization hits me that I just dodged a bullet. I can't even imagine how awkward it'd be had Diego said yes. For a minute, my heart races from the thought of the two men in my life coming face to face. I begin playing out the scenario in my head. Would there be tension? After all, neither of them knows about the other. Would there be some type of attraction between the two? Would I be the chosen one, the unknowing fated soul that would bring two strangers together for a lifetime of love that was nothing less than happenstance? Then, there's suddenly an oversexed part of me that wonders what it would be like to have them both in my bed. I entertain myself with the random daydream until I immediately dismiss the idea. To think of Efrain in bed with any other person than myself fills my chest with pinpricks of worry.
And there it is...that uncontrollable feeling of instant loss as if I've known Efrain for years; that strong emotion reserved for long-term relationships. For soulmates. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time; one I have practically banned from the spectrum of emotions that makes up the typical human condition. Can true love, let alone love at first sight, still exist in a society built on plastic bodies, greed, and one-night-stands?
By nine o'clock, Antonio texts me and lets me know that Efrain will be coming by to pick us by ten. I reply back and let him know I'll be ready by then.
After taking a brisk but refreshing shower, I throw on the night's wardrobe. Considering we'll be dancing, I keep it simple. Nothing too fancy. I go with an emerald green, vintage v-neck t-shirt, midnight indigo slim-straight jeans, and olive-colored canvas shoes (all courtesy of American Eagle Outfitters). I tousle my hair with product and finish off my brief stay in the mirror with several sprays of Burberry Touch. And yes, I chose Touch from my vast collection of fragrances simply for its name. After all, I want nothing less that to have Efrain's arms around me tonight on the dance floor.
When Efrain arrives to pick up Antonio, Trey, and me, he takes the time to exit his car (even though we're already outside and ready to go). He's dressed in low-rise, skinny jeans and a destroyed v-neck, accompanied by a dark dress coat. He exudes both tame and wild qualities. Efrain walks up to me and gives me a quick kiss on the lips before opening the passenger side door for me. Chivalry! I can't help but being won over by this guy time and time again.
The twenty minutes it takes to get from North Seattle to Capitol Hill go by quickly. Efrain is doing a great job multitasking as he pays attention to the traffic conditions while catching up with Antonio and Trey and squeezing my hand each time he wants me to look over at his greeting smile.
We park the car and walk two blocks to R Place. After standing in line for five minutes, we make our way up the stairs to the third floor, grab a drink (Sex on the Beach for me), and scan for any area on the dance floor to where we can begin the festivities.
Within minutes, Efrain grabs my hand and leads me through the throng of men to a vacant area on the dance floor. He pulls me close and stares into my soul. I’m lost in those pools of delectable, dark chocolate. Then, without any warning whatsoever, he kisses me hard and deep. My entire body gives in to a sea of delight. My insides explode with tickling pinpricks, and I uncontrollably shiver. For a moment, it feels as if it’s just he and I on the dance floor. We are two souls drawn to a dance of lust that can only be brought on by the beating of our hearts. Then, ever so slowly, the multi-colored lights and lasers become noticeable. The electronic beats of the DJ’s hypnotic mix become audible. Our bodies are pressed hard against each other as our hips gyrate to the music blaring all around us. We continue in this state for close to two hours as the fluid movement of our bodies, the constant tongued-kisses, and our blended sweat become an anthem of our desire for one another.
Efrain brings his mouth to my ear, and I anxiously give in to the idea that he’s going to lick it. Instead, he shouts over the deafening music, “C’mon.” I let him lead me off the dance floor, gently pushing through the crowd and making way for our exit. As we get to the furthest side of the bar that horseshoes the third floor of R Place, Efrain tells me that he has to leave and that we need to find Antonio and Trey (whom I hadn’t seen since we all arrived together). My heart instantly cracks. At least, that’s how it feels. I want this night to continue. I want to go to Efrain’s place and reenact the previous night we’d spent together. However, I do realize he has to work the following day. And he’ll have a surprise of flowers being delivered to him as well. Another excitement fills the pit of my stomach.
After several minutes, we locate my best friend and his partner at a table on the second floor. They explain to Efrain that they’re planning to stay longer and will get a cab home. I tell Efrain that I’ll stick with them, but will walk him out of the club.
Once outside, Efrain and I have one final exchange before he heads home. “I had a great time, once again,” I tell him.
“Me too,” he says as he kisses me.
I am pulled into the moment of the kiss as I draw back, stare into his eyes and trademark grin, and let it out. “I love you, Efrain.”
He smiles. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“OK.” With that, I watch as Efrain turns and struts down the street towards his car.
As I make my way around the corner, from the exit of R Place, and back onto the Pine Street entrance, a hand gently presses upon my shoulder. I turn to find a face I don’t expect. Diego. I feel sick as my heart sinks into my stomach. Did he just see the lustful exchange between Efrain and me? Diego’s eyes are watery. A single tear escapes its duct and streams down his face like a lonely river. “Can we talk?”
It’s been said that love is one of the most powerful emotions. It can heal us. It can make us whole. It can weaken our mentality. It can do harm. Yet, the way in which we become captured by this emotion is still a mystery. Perhaps it can be instantly discovered by two people as their gaze connects across a room full of strangers. Maybe it happens after we slowly get to know a person through a series of dates. Or, perhaps, love comes from an accidental brushing of shoulders. Whatever the case, once we discover love, the game changes.
I love Efrain. Diego loves me.
After staring into the pain announced by Diego’s tears, I realize that I must end this chapter of my life. I must have closure for both our sakes. “OK,” I say. “Let’s talk.”
A childish smile instantly ignites his face. “Can we go back to my place?”
“Sure,” I say, knowing my love for Efrain is true.
As we walk to his car, I text Antonio and tell him to leave without me.
Minutes later, I’m in Diego’s car and we’re driving beneath the downtown towers of Seattle. He grabs my hand and I instantly think of Efrain.
______________
Tristan Wilde is the serial columnist of Jet City Boy Culture and the author of the forthcoming City at Night trilogy. Visit him on the web at www.TristanWilde.com
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