DEBUT! (GAYSIAN VOICE) The Beautiful Gay Man of Color!

by Justin Huang


“You’re ugly.”

Those words have been said directly to me many times in my life. But there are four instances that I remember as clearly as if they were tattooed onto my face.

1. I am 9 years old, at swim practice. A group of Asian boys around my age who regularly pick on me jeer at me across the pool. “Hey, Ugly!” the ringleader calls, a tall youth with a lean build. I want to drown, because I’m secretly attracted to him and used to steal guilt-ridden glances at him in the showers.
2. I am 13. I’ve now gained a significant amount of weight. I attend a prestigious magnet school. I am still awkward, with a limp wrist and a lispy stutter. I eat lunch with my sister and her friends, who are kind to me. One of the popular girls in my grade drops a note on my plate as she walks by. I read the scrawled handwriting. “You’re ugly.”
3. I am now 18. I’ve just broken up with my first and only girlfriend. I’m counting down the days to when I plan to come out. At my college’s dining hall, my roommate – an aggressive womanizer – cracks a joke. “It helps that I have an ugly roommate.” I laugh along with everyone.
4. I’m 22. My first boyfriend stands at our doorway, carrying the last of his things. I beg him not to leave. He’s strong and handsome, with dark Greek features. He’s emotionless and rushed. I lose my temper, and yell at him: “You’re a selfish asshole!” He turns to me, eyes flashing, and says it.

“You’re ugly.” Simple, succinct, devastating. And I won’t specify the times I’ve heard others use it, but I hear it on a common basis, especially in the gay community. I used to run with a couple of WeHo boys who regularly tossed it out like daggers to describe complete strangers. When I called them out, when I said that it was unnecessary, that it didn’t make us any prettier, they’d scoff at me. “You were thinking it too,” they’d always say.

That doesn’t even begin to describe what goes on in my head when I hear that word.

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