There is a dance to digital dating. It takes some time to figure out how it all works and the tempo required to move from emailing a profile match to walking into a first date.
I encourage clients to make the first move online. If you’re interested, send a friendly and concise email that does the following:
• Acknowledges something that resonated with you in their profile
• Tells a little something about you
• Asks an open ended question
This will get the process in motion. If the person is interested, they will write back and lob out something to keep the conversation going. You respond and so forth. It is highly advisable not to get stuck in the email vortex. It should only take 3-6 email exchanges before a phone conversation is suggested. See next section.
Phone
When you ask someone to move to the phone, always give your phone number and offer to call them if they provide their number back to you. Ask for a convenient time and call when you say you’re going to. If you can’t, send a quick text or email saying you’ve been delayed and then call as soon as you can.
The phone call is the next step in the chemistry test. You should ask some interesting questions and share more information about yourself. Keep it light and fun. If it feels right, suggest getting together for a cup of coffee. If possible, set a date and time. If your match hesitates, let them off the hook by offering to send an email with some date and time options. Secure a date and see next section.
First Date
Ideally, a first date is less than 60 minutes. Coffee or a quick drink is a perfect way to keep things pressure-free. Be prepared with topics of conversation to keep things lively and moving. It’s important to incorporate information that you’ve learned through previous email and phone exchanges into this meeting. Also, be aware of the non-verbal signals you are giving. Are you dressed nicely? Is your body language open? Are you smiling? Are you listening intently? These are important on a first encounter.
Next Steps
After an hour, two cups of coffee or a glass of wine, it’s up to you to continue the date or end it. If it’s a great date, ask if they want to stay or schedule another. If it’s a good date, wrap things up and decide later if you want to pursue. If there’s no real connection, politely get the check, thank them and be on your way. It’s understood that a first online date can be brief. Most importantly, never feel pressure to stay longer than you need to.
It’s up to both parties to move things along in the dating world. However, you can take control of the velocity from first email to first date.
Happy dating.
Mark Strong (aka The Gay Life Coach) helps gay men and women all over the world explore, enhance and expand their lives. He divides his time with his partner Craig in NYC’s Chelsea and upstate New York with their 1 1/2 year-old French bulldog named Izzy.
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